Temporary Thoughts...

Too much to say...and not a word in sight...
I'm not even sure what to write...I just need to get THIS...
this all oppressing, mental bulldozer of bitter truths cloaked in spite
out. of. me.

See, matters of the heart are no matter at all...
until you're entrapped in one
until the avalanche breaks into bloodthirsty shards
promising the deepest of scars
pummeled by depth of the fall...and now we're buried in the trenches of the situation...

I mean, I'm serious...
at this point
the tear isn't worth the touch
I have no idea what the hell I'm saying, or what I'm doing here, I just know...it's far too much,
Too much nonsensical fuss, too much regret for the both of us,
for what???...
I guess I did it cause
I'm an idealist
I loved the idea of us
crashing tides of idea lusts
but nonetheless
it's
too much of 'this' one day, 'that' the next,
confusion of truths and personality contexts,
This is just far, far too complex
How can one expect in my current state of mental content to process, digest and spit back out words into the atmospheric vortex
in hopes of attempts at making the most subtle bit of...
sense

**deep breathes**

My sheets still smell of his scent...
I digress...

You CAN'T be melting into numbness...freezing by a hint of touch
...the rhythm of your vibrations warms the breath of life too much,
I wanted to lose myself in your tones, be your melody...
our song could sing to the strings of my touch
Layers of paint, still damp, still encrusted on the tattered brush
to shelter the moments sketched in the crevices of a home built out of rush...
The home I once lived in, a mosaic of hopes collisioned...
Painted projections of a blind fool's vision
Beams of clarity now blurred to a dim
Trust and passion turned illusions of lust and infatuation,
and now all of those things,
no longer within...
no longer intend...
to keep you any longer...
not even as a friend...
The energy you curse me with is of a cold violent wind...
and even an embrace freezes and pains the skin,
Chipping away, Peeling away, Shattering away, Shutting away...
all light of day...
turned icicle rays...
reflecting nothing more than memories in vain...

Diving headfirst down a desolate drain
Nothing more than a black hole dining on my whole,
a puncture wound found at every pressure point of the soul,
jagged holes bleeding stained letters which once had told
a truth that would hold
its index finger down for sometime on rewind, others fast forward, pause and play
generating enough mental foreplay
to keep a silly little girl trained to engage
in a marriage of false promises and smiles of dismay

I do try and leave...
but I can't because your shadow keeps haunting me...
dreams soaked in sedatives of memory...
Forgetting that forgetting will remedy
the damaged molecules of our chemistry
a force to enforce the strength of being this weak...
I know this feeling goes away,
I know its temporary...
but why does it feel so permanently engraved
across the left side of my heart...where our heartbeats intertwined into a braid
fabric woven rhythmically composin' all the minutes of the day...

Wandering into a shadow's trance
I light kerosene lamps
to find daddy issue plagued tramps
begging for self-esteem amps
to be amp-lified
Just so they can be heard by a heart on the outside
Just so they can silently cry
tears that scream only when hidden
Just so they can be seen for the woman within,
not solely recognized in a mask and robe of harlequin skin

But just know, despite
the fact that
I may not ever be 'the one'
the one you see as your wife
I will be the one
the one that solidifies
that you never are really quite right in attempts at loving again
in this life...



- © 2010 by Jessica Freites